Resolving Difficult Relationships
by Nancy D. on 10/05/18I think everyone has had a person come into their life, that female or male that seems to upset the balance of a family. From what kind of role model they are for their kids, to how they treat your loved ones, they seem chaotic and stir up a bunch of drama in the relationship, which spills over to the family. We are left scratching our head and wondering "why?" or "what did we do?" that may have helped stir up the chaos in this person? Because this is impacting me, surely, I must have contributed in some way?
It's very easy, as is the case with my situation, to get angry about the things you see, or about what your family members experience as a result of this person. They single handedly, have hi-jacked your family. The focus has become about what chaos they have inflicted and you find yourself always running defense, always waiting for the next crazy thing they do or say that hurts someone you love.
I do know that two negatives do not make a positive. Although it's my go-to response, anger isn't the way to handle difficult people and relationships. Since I've been studying the effects of trauma, I realize, chances are, they came from a crazy dysfunctional background; with all kinds of trauma in there. Abandonment, a parent that was neglectful emotionally or physically; there could have been some molestation in their past, an addicted parent, a product of a split family, there are so many factors that can determine why someone is now chaotic and hurtful to others.
Even if they don't know they are, they can be cruel, judgmental and seem to have no idea it is they, who creates utter havoc in the lives of others.
Just like it's easy for people to say they love their dog, or their child or their partner, the actions are what show. Either the actions show we love them, by doing kind and loving things for them, or they don't. It is our actions, our follow up, that determines what kind of people we are.
When I look back and the relationship between my loved on and their significant other.....frustration comes to mind. Trying to deal with someone who comes from those scattered puzzle pieces is difficult enough, but almost impossible if they don't seek any help and continue from a center of brokenness.
My loved one has also had trauma in their background, they too have scattered puzzle pieces, just as I do. The difference is, we have saught and continue to seek help and continuing support to learn a different way.
Just as every person who lives, has had to overcome hardships, friends dying, divorces, moves and changes in life, we all must take an action to heal. If we don't, what affects do we pass down to others, from our own losses and unfinished emotional business? If we do not have healthy coping skills, how do we teach them to our children, so one day, they can teach them their children? If we don't develop healthier coping skills, we pass along the same dysfunctional coping, knee jerk reactions and unfinished emotional pain that we've had.
Recovery begins with one action. No matter whether there is trauma in our background or we suffer from an addiction, or at the hands of a domestically violent spouse, eating disorders or other circumstances, we have to take actions to heal. We have to take actions to overcome grief. We have to take actions to overcome addictions. We have to take actions to mend broken relationships, or they don't mend. We have to take actions to find better coping skills than what we have at the time. Or we do not heal. We become stuck in our trauma, grief or addiction.
As individuals we have to become present and reponsible for ourselves in order to heal. We have to own our own recovery from the effects of things we've been through in our lives.
If we live in denial that we have any ownership in anything, we will continue to pass down that unfinished, emotional business. No, we aren't responsible if someone punches us in the face, or we get raped or molested as children. We aren't a willing participant in any of that. Those are bad things that have happened as a result of bad people who did them to us. However, once something has happened to change our person, we are responsible to find help and healing for it, just like we expect an addict to get help for their addiction. If we don't, the wheel of dysfunction just keeps going round and round and people become sicker and sicker ....and as I said in the beginning, two negatives, do not make a positive. Two wrongs, do not make a right. We have to change the cycle and by doing that, we can change the outcome.
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